February 20, 2006: The Eighteenth Day I Knew Andrew

Andrew and I got up about 9:00 Monday morning, but we seemed to be in no hurry to get the day started.

We hung around the kitchen and drank coffee and ate breakfast before we got cleaned up, and it was almost 11:00 before we decided that we really needed to get showered and dressed for the day.

Lizbeth did laundry on Monday, and I helped her while Andrew was talking to Alec in the living room.

I told Lizbeth about my episodes of poor behavior, primarily the events of Monday and Monday night, and I asked her what she, a psychiatrist, would make of them, and I asked her what I should do to make sure that such events never happened again.

"Oh, dear" was her first response.

Then she continued "This is not a psychiatric question, this is a question involving romance."

And she told me that what I had experienced on Monday was not dissimilar to what many other young people have experienced in the early stages of love, and that it was not unusual to experience rapid mood extremes between wanting to be with the other person all the time, and finding it almost unbearable to be separated, even for short periods, and finding the pain of love to be so aching that there can exist a tendency to want to possess the other person completely and, if that proves impossible, which it always does, to break off the romance.

She told me that that is what had happened on Monday, based upon what I told her, and that what had happened was not really that unusual. "Of course, you don't want to carry that sort of thing on too far or too long" she said. "If those sorts of things continue to happen, that may be a sign that one or both of you is not ready for or cannot handle a relationship."

I asked her what I should do if something similar happens in the future.

"Talk" she said. "Talk. Andrew will listen. Talk."

I asked her if she thought Andrew really loved me.

"Oh, goodness, I cannot answer that question. Only you can answer that question. You, Joshua, more than anyone, should be able to gauge the extent of his feelings for you. Don't you have some indication what his genuine feelings for you are? Do you think the fact that you are here with us this weekend perhaps says something significant? I suspect that you do" she told me.

I told her that he always asks me to spend time with him, that he has always seemed to enjoy my company, that he seems always to try to take care of my feelings and that he has always been extremely kind to me.

And Lizbeth said "Then, Joshua, you should be able to figure out whether he loves you or not. And I don't think you need any help answering that question. If you need help, the answer, most likely, is 'no', don't you think?"

I told Lizbeth that I loved Andrew the first time I saw him, and I asked her whether she believed in love at first sight.

"Yes and no" she said. "I think it is possible to like a new acquaintance a lot on first sight, but I would not necessarily identify that as love."

She went on. "You know that big lug in the living room? I think I loved him the first time I saw him, but if, on getting to know him, I discovered that he was not an admirable person or a person without the qualities I needed, I believe I would have given him pretty short shrift. That initial fascination would have evaporated very quickly. Whether you call that initial fascination 'love' or something else, I know that it is possible to be completely captivated by a new acquaintance. And of course that initial captivation may, over time, turn into love--that much I would readily admit. That very well may be what people identify as 'love at first sight', don't you think?"

I said that might be true.

I asked Lizbeth whether she had any advice on entering into a relationship with Andrew.

"None at all" was her answer. "But you should know that, like most people, Andrew responds to kindness. And anyone contemplating entering into a relationship should be prepared to be kind to that other person as a matter of course. If routine kindness is difficult or impossible, very likely something is wrong."

I asked Lizbeth whether she thought I was mature enough to enter into a relationship with Andrew.

"Oh, Joshua, that is an impossible question! How could I, or anyone else, POSSIBLY answer that question?"

Then I asked her to let me re-phrase the question, and I asked her whether I possessed the qualities Andrew needed in a friend and partner and lover.

"And I'm supposed to be able to answer this one?" she asked. "Goodness, you must think I have a crystal ball!"

"So what general advice can you give me?" I asked her.

"Be a mensch!" was her reply, and she laughed. "Do you know what a 'mensch' is, Joshua?" she asked me.

"Like a real person, a real down-to-earth person, I think" I said.

"Yes, a human being, with human characteristics" Lizbeth said. "Just be a real person, a real human being, and everything will be fine."

I asked her why no one should ever tell another person that he is only happy when he is with him.

"Well . . ." she said, and she paused. "I think that it is perfectly fine to tell someone that you are at your HAPPIEST when you are with him, if that is true. I don't think there is anything wrong with saying that."

And Lizbeth paused, as if she were searching for words. "But to express it the way you did might suggest that the you are UNHAPPY UNLESS you are with him, which, if true, could be very worrisome, for both of you. There is a significant difference between the meanings behind those two different expressions."

And, after pausing, Lizbeth added "And when most people use that expression, I believe that they generally mean it the way I expressed it, not the way you expressed it. It may be a distinction without a difference."

"Well, I have never said that to Andrew, but I have long wanted to. But I meant it in the way you expressed it, not in the way I did" I said.

"Well, I don't think you need to worry about offending Andrew if you say something like that to him."

She paused again, and she said "When you have questions, talk. Talk. Talk to Andrew. I see that he talks to you. I see that he talks to you openly and honestly. I see that he likes to talk to you. So talk to him. I think, between the two of you, you can find answers to most of your questions. I don't sense that Andrew is going to give you the silent treatment, Joshua."

"No, no, he has not" I said. "My problem is that I love him so much that he drives me crazy."

"Then enjoy his company, and be a mensch" Lizbeth told me. "When you sense that things are starting to go off kilter, sit down and talk. Talk it through. Talk through your feelings. That's all you can do."

"Well, we talk a lot" I said.

"And don't make too much of these things" she said. "You both are young, and just starting out. Don't take things so seriously! Both of you take things so seriously. Lighten up!"

After this, we had a very late lunch and, after eating, Andrew and I went out and walked around the neighborhood for an hour and a half. It was a nice neighborhood, and lots of people were out walking around, like us, even though it was still very cold. We walked part of Museum Mile and part of the border of Central Park.

I asked Andrew whether he and Alec had been talking about what to say to his father tonight.

"Actually, no" Andrew said. "I already know what to say to my father."

"Then what were you talking about?" I asked.

"I was telling Alec what I had told you on the drive up here--about tentative longer-term plans, and about telling our parents of tentative longer-term plans, but not until the period between the end of final exams and our graduations. Since he had raised these issues yesterday, and was asking questions, I was trying to answer him and I was asking him whether he had any ideas on both topics."

"Did he?" I asked.

"Not really" Andrew said.

"What are you going to say to your Dad?" I asked.

"First, I will let him ventilate all he needs to, and then I will explain the situation to him" Andrew said.

"Will he be OK with everything?" I asked.

"Yes, I think he will" Andrew answered. "The thing he is upset about is the misleading statement I made to him. And I think I can make him understand why I felt that last night, with everyone around the table listening to the conversation, was not the time or the place to talk to him about you. I think I can make him understand that. At least I hope so."

I asked Andrew whether Alec had said anything about me.

"Yes, we talked about you, of course" said Andrew.

"Does Alec like me?" I asked.

"Yes, he likes you very much. You already know that" Andrew said.

"I thought so, but I just wanted to be sure. Does Alec think I am the right person for you?" I asked.

"Well, he didn't say, precisely, and I didn't ask him" Andrew said. "But I think he observes that we get on well together. He said that we looked 'cute' together. And, actually, he made a point of saying that we 'looked right' for each other and 'seemed suited' to each other, whatever that may mean.

"What he did remark upon, that was interesting, was that he said you were extremely intelligent and clearly came from a conservative background, and he was saying, between the lines, that those two attributes were essential--essential in a lasting friendship for me, that is."

"You mean he was suggesting that you could not be happy with anyone who was not intelligent and not from a good family?" I asked.

"Yeah, that's what he was saying, more or less" Andrew said.

"Do you think what he said was true" I asked Andrew.

"Yes, I do. For good or bad, yes, I think that is true" Andrew said. "And I think he was merely trying to say that that increases the likelihood of our chances for happiness."

"I think your brother is exactly right on that issue" I said.

"Yes, I suspect he is. For BOTH of us, as a matter of fact" Andrew said. "Can you imagine finding happiness in someone with little if any intelligence?"

"It would be a fate worse than death" I said.

"I agree with you wholeheartedly" Andrew said.

Andrew paused for a long time, and then he said "And, Josh, it is good that Alec volunteered those kinds of remarks to me, because that means that those will be the exact kinds of remarks he will make to my Mom and Dad, and my Mom and Dad will be comforted by hearing those sorts of things. In fact, he may have already told them something like that last night, even though he said that he told them nothing whatsoever last night, which I don't quite believe."

And Andrew paused, and then he continued "And that's important to me. If we are together, I can't and don't want to segregate my family life from you. I want my family life and my life with you to be all of the same piece. I don't want to keep my love for you segmented, away and apart from the other parts of my life."

"Well, Andrew, I want to say something to you, something important, along those very lines" I said. "I can't tell you how pleased I am that you permitted me to join you in spending time with members of your family. That has meant a great deal to me. I can't explain why, necessarily, but it has meant a great, great deal to me. The fact that you brought me up here, so openly, so naturally, so happily, almost makes me want to cry. If our Spring Breaks coincided, I would insist upon taking you home and meeting my entire family. I really would."

"It has meant a lot to me, too" Andrew said. "I want you to get to know everyone in my family, and become very close to them and become an essential part, an inherent part, of my family. I think you will love each and every one of them, and I think each and every one of them will love you. Even Rex."

"Who's Rex?" I said. Now, Silvio, this was a name I had never even heard of.

"Our dog."

"Will your Dad ever be a problem?" I asked.

"No, not at all" said Andrew. "He will like you very much. You also have something going for you right up front: he knows your Dad, and he likes and respects your Dad. Plus you have something else, totally unknown to you, already in your favor."

"What's that?" I asked.

"Alex's fiancé visited us at Christmas, and made a horrible impression on everyone in the family. Everyone hated her" Andrew said. "After her disastrous visit, I could take Genghis Khan home and, compared to her, Genghis Khan would make a favorable impression. Maybe I should take you home RIGHT NOW, while those unpleasant memories are still fresh in everyone's minds!" And Andrew laughed and laughed, and Andrew's laugh is so delightful.

"What did she do?" I asked.

"It's a long and funny story, and I'll tell you some other time" Andrew said. "That engagement is on the rocks, and I am happy to say that I provoked her departure from our home."

"You did?" I asked.

"Yes, I did" Andrew said.

"How?" I asked.

"In a nutshell, by pointing out to her how impossible she was, and how impolite and inconsiderate she was to everyone in our family, especially to my mother" Andrew said. "Everyone else in our family but me was afraid to take her on. After nine days of her shenanigans, I had had enough and I took her on."

"And what happened?" I asked.

"She left--that very morning" Andrew said.

"Well, is the engagement still on?" I asked.

"Technically, I think so, but plans for a June wedding have been 86'ed. Alex is just waiting for the right opportunity to officially break it off. In fact, my take is that he is just waiting for her to get wise and break it off herself, which will save him the trouble of a confrontation."

"Does Alex love her?" I asked Andrew.

"No, I truly don't think so" Andrew said. "That is the weirdest part about it."

"Then why did he ask her to marry him?" I asked.

"That was the question we all constantly asked ourselves the entire Christmas vacation" Andrew said, and he laughed.

"Is Alex mad at you about this?" I asked.

"No, not at all. In fact, I think he is secretly pleased" Andrew said, and he laughed again. "I may have saved him a lot of trouble, both in the here and now, and far down the road."

And I asked Andrew if Alex is like Alec.

"Well, yes and no" Andrew said. "Alex is the jokester in the family, and he is probably the least responsible. He IS responsible, don't get me wrong, but he is not as responsible as Alec, and he is not as responsible as I am. In another way, Alex is sort of midway between Alec and me: Alex can be very outgoing, like Alec, and he also can be very withdrawn, like me. And Alex has issues with my Dad."

"Like what?" I asked.

"My Dad gives off these subtle signals that he is sort of disappointed in Alex, and Alex sometimes thinks that there is nothing he can do to please my Dad, no matter what he does. When this happens, he sort of withdraws into himself.

"And, at Christmas, Alex withdrew into himself. He saw what a fool Anne-Sophie was making of herself with the family, and he basically withdrew--he started to ignore her, he ignored my Mom and Dad, he ignored Lizbeth and me and the baby. The only one he did not ignore was Alec, and that's because he was looking to Alec for moral support. The whole thing was sort of sad, but then the minute Anne-Sophie hit the trail, he immediately came out of his shell."

"Do you think Alex will like me?" I asked Andrew.

"Yes, but don't be surprised if he teases you a lot" Andrew said. "He likes to tease, and elicit a reaction."

"Do you think I will like him?" I asked.

"Well, I think so--since you like me and since you like Alec, I think you will probably like Alex, too" Andrew said.

About this time we got back to Alec and Lizbeth's apartment, and Andrew tried to call his father as soon as we got back.

He asked his Dad if they could talk that afternoon, instead of during the evening, since we would be heading back to D.C. that night.

I could hear Andrew's side of the conversation, and so could Alec and Lizbeth. None of us made any effort to leave the room, and allow Andrew to have a private conversation. Alec, in particular, seemed to settle in comfortably, prepared fully to enjoy himself.

For about fifteen minutes, Andrew did very little talking into the phone. He said the same things, over and over, at rare intervals: "Yes, I agree with you", "Yes, you are right", "I could not agree with you more", "I know", "Yes, it does", "I am with you on that point", "I fully understand" and "I do not contest that point".

Then, the conversation started to change, and Andrew began talking a bit more. At first, his answers became slightly more assertive: "I can only go with you half-way on that point, Dad", "I think there's another side to that issue, Dad", “No, on that, Dad, I disagree with you", and "Respectfully, that may be a matter of difference of interpretation".

Finally, Andrew started doing most of the talking, and he told his father that he wanted to make three points.

Andrew's first point to his father was that, if there were to come a time when he needed to tell his Dad about me, he had always had every intent of doing so, and doing so in person, and not over the telephone. That time would be, Andrew said, when things between us (Andrew and I) were "fixed"--that is, when he and I had settled upon an agreement that we would have a relationship and that it was our intent for that relationship to be long-term and permanent. "And nothing is fixed, Dad, and until such time, there is nothing to tell you. We are seeing each other, which you already know, and beyond that there is not much to say at this point. I have only been seeing Joshua for two weeks."

Andrew's second point to his father was that, during Alec and Alex's dating years in college and grad school, his father had had no expectation that they would report their dating activities to him, and that in fact he had exhibited little interest in their dating activities, assuming that they would bring up the matter once they were serious about someone, but not until that time. Andrew very gently pointed out to his Dad that that former standard now seemed to have changed as it applied to him (Andrew), and he sensed that his father somehow now believed that he was more entitled to be kept fully apprised of Andrew's dating activities than was the case for Alec and Alex. (And when Andrew said that to his father, Alec turned to Lizbeth and said "Observe. The master at work.")

Andrew's third point to his father was that last night's phone call occurred when all four of us were playing cards in the kitchen, and that any confession of his dating activities seemed to be out of place at the time--he was not free to talk openly about his personal thoughts and feelings, EVEN IF HE HAD HAD SOMETHING SIGNIFICANT TO SAY, WHICH HE HAD NOT. Andrew said he had thought, at the time, that the best way of handling the call, and his father's questions, was in an offhand manner. It was "not a good platform for personal revelations or private confessions"--and at this point Alec turned to Lizbeth and said "Bravo!"--and, further, Andrew said, that he was reluctant to say very much about me in my own presence--"it was not apt, and it may have been very unsettling, to everybody." (And Alec said to Lizbeth, "Oh, He's GOOD!")

Andrew's father had some responses of his own to these points, and we could hear Andrew answer them.

"Well, Dad, I am not really sure what to say about the fact that you know Josh’s Dad. Does that fact somehow change the requirements at my end? I'm not sure why that should be so."

"But, Dad, I would never knowingly embarrass you. You know I would never do that. I love you very much. Your opinion means more to me than anything in the world. But kids in college go away for the weekend all the time without telling their parents where they're going, and I don't think their parents are generally embarrassed by not knowing where their college-age kids are at all times. I don't think anyone would find that fact particularly remarkable. And as it turned out, you DID know where I was, or at least you were able to guess it easily. You had no problems at all in tracking me down. You knew exactly where to look first."

"Yes, I understand that, Dad, and I totally agree with you. But nothing has happened yet. Until something happens, you are worrying about a non-event. It is hard for me to address your worries about a non-event. How would you have me do that?"

"I understand that very well. Believe me, Dad, I understand that. But you KNOW me, Dad--you know I am very cautious, you know I am not quick to warm to people, you know I am not one to engage in flights of fancy, you know I am not headstrong, you know I don't lack discipline. Your worries there are misplaced. You have nothing to worry about in that regard. If you don't believe me, you should call Alec later in the week and ask him--I think he will tell you that you are worrying about nothing."

"I know. That fact remains. I can't change that. But had I laid out everything to you, upfront, before you started asking questions, wouldn't that have been awfully strange? Wouldn't you have thought that was awfully strange? Wouldn't Joshua have thought that was awfully strange? Wouldn't Alec and Lizbeth have thought that was awfully strange? I think so."

"Well, if it ever comes to that point, Dad, you WILL meet Joshua. If it ever comes to that point, you WILL see a lot of him. But until that point arrives, it might be a little early to discuss getting together, don't you think?"

"Well, I have to think about that. My initial reaction is that it seems premature."

"I have to think about that one, Dad. I would have to think about that question very hard. I don't know what to say right now. I don't know how to answer that question."

And then, when it was time for the call to wrap up, Andrew told his father how much he loved him, and how much he loved his mother, and how badly he felt about what had happened last evening, but how he did not know what he could have done to have handled the situation differently without making the situation possibly even worse. And after Andrew telling his Dad again how much he loved him, the call ended.

No one said anything for the longest time, and then I asked Andrew, very quietly, whether his Mom had been on the phone, too. And Alec, not Andrew, answered me: "No".

And then it was time for dinner.

I learned quite a lot over dinner.

Apparently Andrew can talk to his father in a way that Alec and Alex cannot. I observed how well Andrew could talk to his father but apparently he is alone in this regard.

According to Alec, their father only listens seriously to Andrew, but that he does not listen seriously to Alec or Alex. Both Andrew and Lizbeth, however, said that that was not true. They said that neither Alec nor Alex KNOW HOW to talk to their father, but that Andrew does.

Lizbeth said that Alec and Alex are too confrontational with their father, and too emotional when discussing serious issues with him. By comparison, Andrew, Lizbeth said, will use a respectful and intellectual approach when discussing serious issues with him and that their father responds differently to such an approach.

Apparently their father is putty in the hands of their mother, absolute putty, and their mother can get their father to do anything she wants. When Alec or Alex have a difficulty, they will always go through their mother in approaching their father.

However, there is one thing their mother apparently CANNOT do: she cannot stop an argument between Alec and his father, once started, and she cannot stop an argument between Alex and his father, once started.

But apparently Andrew CAN stop arguments between Alec and Alex and their father, and do so instantly, and Alec said he has never been unable to understand why this is so. Even Lizbeth said she can only theorize why Andrew is the only person who can stop such arguments, but she cannot say why this is so with any certainty.

Alec said it is because Andrew is their parents' favorite child, and the youngest, and that both of their parents' positively dote on him. Lizbeth said it is because Andrew has been sheltered more than the other boys, and that their parents continue to shelter Andrew, and that such sheltering includes not exposing him to emotional conflicts.

Lizbeth also said that, as punishment, Alec and Alex both have always teased Andrew relentlessly, but that they also have followed along in their parents' footsteps and have participated in the doting on Andrew and the sheltering of Andrew--which "they do to this very day" said Lizbeth. She continued "And that has been both a very good and a very bad thing".

I asked Lizbeth how this has been a bad thing. "Well, number one, Andrew positively detests conflict--and yet he's going to be a lawyer? Isn't there a major disconnect there? And yet no one in the family wants to talk about it."

"But he's very analytical, and that will help him get by" offered Alec.

"Number two, Andrew has never been exposed to many of life's hardships" Lizbeth continued "And most persons his age have experienced many, many more hardships than he has. In many ways, Andrew has lived life in a cocoon. That cannot be good for his long-term development--as you may be in a position to find out" she said, looking at me.

And do you know who popped up to answer Lizbeth, Silvio? It was Andrew himself.

"You're wrong about that, Lizbeth. I'm the strongest member in the family, and I just do things in a different way. In that regard, I am like my mother. I have her quiet resolve and her quiet strength."

"I wish I were as confident about that as you are" Lizbeth responded.

"And who was it who knew how to handle Anne-Sophie?" Andrew asked. "I didn't see anyone else attempt to handle that situation."

And, Silvio, they all burst out laughing, uncontrollably, and I told them that they MUST tell me the story of Anne-Sophie.