February 18 and 19, 2006: The Sixteenth And Seventeenth Days I Knew Andrew

Silvio, I did not get up until 12:30 p.m. on Saturday afternoon.

I remember first waking up at 10:00 a.m., and Andrew was still with me--actually, he was on top of me. He was already awake.

I woke up again at 10:30, when Andrew got up. When he left me, he said "I have to get up now and help out. You stay here, Josh, and sleep as long as you need" and he kissed my forehead and got out of bed and enveloped me in the covers.

I woke up again at 12 Noon, and then snatched another 30 minutes of sleep before I finally got up. I obviously had been very, very tired.

No one seemed in the least affronted by the fact that I had slept half the day away. I went into the kitchen and drank coffee in my "sleep gear" and everyone was entirely friendly to me. Andrew asked whether I wanted breakfast or lunch, or both, and Lizbeth told me that they were just slowly poking around themselves, too, and that they would all be happy to have breakfast with me, if I wanted breakfast. She said they had all eaten a bowl of cereal when they got up but nothing more since, and that if I wanted breakfast that she would have Andrew make omelets for everyone.

I said that sounded wonderful. Andrew asked me "Do you want us to do it now, or do you want us to wait until you have a chance to get cleaned up?"

I said "Give me thirty minutes, and I will be ready."

And we all had breakfast at just past one o'clock, and then we all just stayed in the apartment for the rest of the day. No one went out, in large part because of the bitter cold.

Alec did most of the work for the baby that day, even though Andrew and I also held Tim and fed him his bottles. Apparently Alec does most of the "baby" work on weekends to give Lizbeth a break.

Andrew and I spent the entire afternoon cleaning the kitchen. And I mean, Silvio, that we CLEANED that kitchen. Andrew took the stove apart, and cleaned every individual part. He removed everything from the refrigerator and cleaned every removable component. We cleaned all the cupboards, and all the cabinets, and all the closets. We cleaned every single kitchen appliance, large and small. We cleaned and waxed the floor. There was nothing in that kitchen that was not absolutely spotless by the time we were done.

Andrew told me I did not need to help, and that I should just go into the living room and watch basketball games, or go into the guest room and take a nap, or just talk to him while he worked in the kitchen. I told him I preferred to help, and I did so, and he seemed to welcome my help. Alec and Lizbeth kept going back and forth all the time between the living room and the kitchen, talking to us, and telling us that we seemed to be taking our work far too seriously. However, both of us seemed to enjoy the work, and we talked--to each other and to Alec and Lizbeth as they came in and out--and the afternoon passed by in a flash.

When everything was clean, we put away all the stuff that Andrew had brought up from D.C., and he pronounced, "OK, Lizbeth, you are good for another two months."

Why were we cleaning the kitchen in the first place? Because, Andrew said, Lizbeth just doesn't have time, what with the newborn. Andrew had last performed this project during Veterans' Day weekend, shortly after Tim was born.

When we were done, Andrew asked me whether I wanted to go to a show or something else that night. I answered him "It's so cold--only if you do." Andrew said he was more than happy to stay in, but that he would also be more than happy to go out so that I could see something of New York. "Otherwise, we might as well be in Peoria" he said "and I am afraid that you will be disappointed with your New York weekend."

"If it's all the same to you, I'd just as soon stay here" I said, "and I AM enjoying my New York weekend. I'm here to be with you, not to see New York." Andrew said that it was perfectly fine with him if we stayed in.

And we had a nice dinner in the apartment, and everyone watched television for a bit, and we all took turns holding the baby, and then everyone went to bed early.

In bed, Andrew asked me whether I wanted to go to the Metropolitan Museum Of Art early tomorrow morning--"it is so close, we can be there in minutes" he said--and then have lunch in the Founders' Dining Room, which he said he was entitled to use. "If you want" I said. "What time were you looking to get up if we were to go?"

"Well, 7:30 to 8:00, something around there" he said.

I said to him "Well, if you want to go, let's go. But if you want to go only because of me, I would prefer to sleep in."

"Then let's sleep in" was his response.

Saturday night was the first night we slept together in which we did not fall asleep almost immediately. On the previous five occasions we had shared a bed, we had always been extremely tired, but on Saturday night we were well rested, and we talked in bed for about an hour before we fell asleep. We were laying on our sides, looking at each other, talking, and also kissing, and I rubbed and held Andrew' and he rubbed and held me. I finally asked him a question I had been dying to pose: "When we make love, Andrew, how do you want to do it?"

I thought the time and the timing was right for this question, Silvio.

[I omit this extended juvenile discussion.]

After waiting for a few seconds, I asked Andrew "When?"

"I think this coming week" he said. "I'm not 100% sure, but I think this coming week. If you want to."

"Yes, I want to" I said. "Should we make any advance plans, like getting a room, or something?"

"No. I want to play it by ear" said Andrew. "Maybe I'll surprise you. But I think we will both know when the time is right. And that time is coming soon. Don't you think we'll both know when the time is right?"

I thought about Andrew's question for a minute, and at first I was not certain whether he was right or not. But the more I thought about what he said, I started to think that, yes, he was right. We would both recognize when the time was right.

And the more I continued to think about it, I realized that, yes, he really WAS right. I thought back to exactly a week ago tonight, when I first briefly made a move, and Andrew had pulled away. I decided that, yes, he had been right that night--that the time was just not quite right. Not only was the location NOT the right venue--his apartment, with his roommates nearby--but the timing was too early.

And I also realized that, in just the last week, I had grown to know Andrew much better and that I had grown to love him much more deeply than I had only a week ago, and that we were much closer to each other now than we were only a week ago.

I was asking myself why we were so much closer than only a week ago, and I wondered whether we were closer because of all the dreadful events of Monday and Tuesday, which we somehow successfully got through. I was asking myself whether surviving those episodes had made us closer--you know, Silvio, on the premise that what hurts you but doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, and all that--or whether it was a mere matter of additional time together. I don't know the answer to that last question, but there is definitely something more there now between us, something additional, that was not there a week ago. Andrew and I are unmistakably closer now than we were just seven days ago.

I also trust Andrew more now--I trust him to make the right decisions with respect to us. I did not have this same level of trust only a week ago. But because of what we went through this past week, and because Andrew seemed to make the right decisions all through those events, I now trust him more to look out for MY interests and I now trust him more to look out for OUR interests.

I guess I did not have the same degree of comfort a week ago and I wonder, had I enjoyed my current level of comfort only six days ago, whether I would ever have precipitated Monday's events. I was uncertain on Monday, but I am not so uncertain now. What was I so uncertain about? I was uncertain of myself, I guess, and I was uncertain about the depth of Andrew's feelings for me, and the extent to which he would tolerate "guff" from me and nevertheless remain with me.

I had been mean to Andrew, I had said terrible things to him, I had provoked him, and what did he do in response?

He didn't get mad at me, he didn't say terrible things back to me--well, only one: "Now the next big step for you is to get weaned from your parents' checkbook"--and he never tried to provoke me back.

He tried to talk to me, he tried to reason with me--"And what kind of a time frame do you think is reasonable for making a decision of this magnitude? Today is the 13th. We met on the 3rd."--, he tried to take care of me, he tried to show me how much he liked me.

He came over to me in the middle of the night, despite my name-calling and hanging up on him, because he knew I was in an emotional uproar and that I needed him. He had stayed with me, and he had talked to me, and he even had voluntarily offered to come over the next night when he realized, seeing me online in the middle of the night, that I needed him once again.

Did Andrew put a foot wrong, all of last week, Silvio? I don't think so. He dropped the issue of my provocations immediately after Judy's Tuesday night phone call to him, and he never raised that issue again. He only discussed that issue again on Friday in the car because I had raised it with him first, when I had wanted him to tell me some things. Otherwise, he has done nothing but give me great care and affection and show me how much I mean to him.

And he has done this despite his being so shell-shocked after my outbursts of Monday and late Monday night. When we talked in my bedroom early Tuesday afternoon, before he left my house, he was so depressed, so forlorn, so spent, that I believed that he would never recover any affection for me.

But he moved forward, and seemed to put all those events out of his mind, and concentrated on taking care of me. He arranged to devote his entire weekend to me. He pondered a great deal about our future during the day we were apart, as I know from his conversations in the car. He kept sending me email messages during the two nights and the one day we were apart, telling me how much he looked forward to spending the entire weekend with me.

I don't think I could have asked anything more from him.

After going to bed early on Saturday night, we got up fairly early on Sunday morning--around 9:00.

As soon as we got up, Andrew asked me to let him know whether there was anything I wanted to see in New York that day. "Like what?" I asked. "Like any of the sights, or tourist attractions" he answered. I told him "There are things I would like to see, except it's so COLD outside. To be frank, I would rather stay here and visit with Alec and Lizbeth."

"Well, we'll plan on staying in, then" he said. "But if you change your mind by early afternoon, you must say so, because nothing will be open tonight, a Sunday night."

Andrew made apple pancakes for everyone for breakfast--his grandmother's recipe--and then he went back to his cleaning regimen. He cleaned the bedrooms and the bathrooms, and I again helped him. And once again, I mean we REALLY cleaned--scouring down the shower tiles and shower doors, cleaning the light fixtures, polishing everything. Lizbeth and Alec tried to offer some assistance, and Andrew told them to leave us alone ("too many people, and we would only all run into each other").

We did not finish until mid-afternoon, and when we were done we cleaned up and joined Alec and Lizbeth in the living room. Andrew said to them "Now you have to let us come again in two or three weeks, and let us have a weekend in which I show Josh the town." They said we could come any weekend we wanted and as often as we wanted, and that they would be delighted to have us, and that we were always welcome there. They said they had no plans of any sort since, with the baby, they could not go anywhere, and that they would like to see as much of us as possible, especially since Andrew was still relatively close by for another couple of months before law school ended and he moved back home.

Sunday afternoon was the first time Alec and Lizbeth asked anything about how Andrew and I had met and how long we had known each other. Alec died laughing when we told him that our dads had been law school classmates, and that it was THEIR idea that we meet. He thought that was hysterical. Alec said he was going to call their father, right then and there, and inform him of what their father had fostered, and this is when Andrew told Alec that he did not want Alec to say anything to their parents just quite yet, and that in fact he did not even want Alec to tell his parents that he had brought a friend with him when he had visited this weekend.

"Oh, you're going too far now" said Alec, and Andrew said "No. If you tell Dad that I brought Josh to New York, he will know immediately what that means."

And Andrew told Alec that it was important to him that HE, not Alec, be the one who gave the news about me to their father, and that he wanted to choose the right time and manner to break the news.

"So, your Dad doesn't know, either?" Alec asked me, and I said "No, he does not."

"What are you guys going to do when school's over?" asked Alec.

Alec had no idea that he had stepped into an issue that had been a matter of great concern to both of us.

Andrew tried to sidestep the discussion by saying "Nothing's settled", but Alec did not let Andrew drop the matter that easily and he asked "Are you saying that this is just a school thing, over at the end of term?"

THAT WAS THE VERY WORST THING ALEC COULD HAVE SAID, but he did not realize that.

"We have been thinking and talking and exploring, but we haven't decided yet what to do" Andrew said.

Again, Alec would not drop the issue. "You mean you don't know if this is going to end after school's out, or that you DO have tentative plans to see each other after school is over?' asked Alec.

"We are going to continue to see each other after we both graduate, we just don't know yet how to work it" said Andrew, very quietly and with measured words. Clearly, he was trying to halt Alec's pursuit of this issue.

"You mean a long-distance relationship?" asked Alec.

Andrew paused for a very long time. Alec and I were looking at Andrew very intently, but Lizbeth turned away. Then Lizbeth tried to save the situation: "I think, Alec, that they don't know how they are going to handle this yet, and that they need time to decide what they are going to do. So I think we need to leave them alone on this point until they know more firmly how their plans proceed."

"That doesn't tell me anything at all" said Alec, and Lizbeth interjected "And that's because there isn't anything to tell. Don't you think we should start dinner now?"

And Lizbeth, very effectively, ended that particular inquiry.

We had a very nice dinner Sunday night, and after dinner we played cards for a couple of hours in the kitchen, and we all had a lot of fun playing cards--a wonderful, wonderful time. I think Alec and Lizbeth really like me, or else they both are very good actors. If the latter is true, you should invite them to join the Foundry Players.

While we were playing cards, Alec and Andrew's parents called. They talked to Alec and Lizbeth, and they asked whether Andrew was staying for the weekend, as they know that Andrew generally goes up to NYC and visits Alec and Lizbeth on almost all three-day weekends. They said that yes, Andrew was with them, and Andrew talked to his folks for a while, too.

During the course of the call, Andrew's Dad asked him whether he had booked his flights yet to come home for Spring Break. Andrew said he had not. Andrew's Dad pointed out that he had missed the 14-day advance-purchase deadline if he planned to fly home on Friday night, March 2.

Andrew told his father that he might not be coming home for Spring Break after all. According to Andrew, his father asked "Why not? Are you going to spend that week with Alec and Lizbeth? If so, your mother and I could come to New York to be with you all."

Andrew told his Dad that he was thinking of staying in D.C. for his Spring Break. His father said that he would be very disappointed not to see him during that week, and he wanted to know whether Andrew wanted his Mom and Dad to fly to D.C. to visit HIM that week.

"Let me do this, Dad" Andrew said. "I will call you Wednesday night and talk about Spring Break on Wednesday night. How's that? I just haven't been able to get organized about Spring Break yet."

Then Andrew's Dad asked him whether he had seen me since the last time they had talked [which was last Sunday night's call, the call that occurred in the kitchen of Andrew's apartment--the "cousin" call, if you remember], and Andrew said "Yes, I have seen Joshua since last Sunday". (Alec was smirking at this.)

Then Andrew's Dad asked him what I was doing this weekend, and Andrew answered "I believe Joshua went out of town this weekend" and Alec started snorting, loudly. Lizbeth was shushing him.

Then, according to Andrew, his father asked him "Do you know where Joshua is, because his Dad is trying to call him. He can't locate him, and Joshua's roommates don't know where he is." (I did not take my cell phone with me to New York, Silvio.)

After a very long pause, and with a very painful face, Andrew said "Dad, Joshua's here. He's here with us. I mean he's here with me." And Andrew's Dad told Andrew to ask me to call my Dad. After he passed on this request, Andrew's Dad asked to talk to Alec again and Andrew handed the phone back to Alec.

I don't know what Andrew's Dad said to Alec, because Alec afterward said he didn't want anything specific, but I think Andrew's Dad asked Alec to call him back later. Alec turned away, busying himself in a kitchen cupboard, so that we could not see his face during that final portion of the call.

I did call my Dad right afterward, and my Dad said "Oh, I guess you just got back from your weekend out of town. Where'd you go?"

I told my Dad that I had gone to New York for the weekend and that I was still in New York. "Oh, your roommates said you were out of town and that they didn't know where you had gone, but I see that they tracked you down after all" my Dad said.

Silvio, I did not know what to do: correct my Dad's assumption, or let it pass. After a second, I decided to let it pass.

The reason why my Dad had been trying to reach me was because he had wanted to make arrangements to buy MY flight tickets for my trip home for Spring Break. He said he had been trying to call me since Friday, without success.

Well, Silvio, I had to go through the same darn thing Andrew had just gone through. I told my Dad that I had not decided whether to come home for Spring Break, and that I might remain in D.C. for that week.

My Dad was very surprised, and he asked me why I wanted to stay in D.C. that week (he knows I don't like D.C.). I told him that I just thought that this would be a good opportunity to stay in Washington and see some stuff I had never bothered to see before, and that the Spring Break week would be my last free week in town. My Dad said that he and my Mom really wanted me to come home that week, and that he would call me Thursday night, and convince me to come home, at the very least for a substantial portion of the break period.

My Dad asked me what I had seen in New York. "Nothing, really" I said "Because it has been too cold."

"So what have you been doing?" he asked me.

"Staying indoors" I said.

"Where are you staying?" he asked.

"I'm staying with friends" was my answer.

"I didn't know you had any friends in New York City" my Dad said.

Silvio, I had not a clue what to say, and I tried to say nothing, hoping my Dad would move on.

But my Dad was persistent and did not move on. "Who are these friends in New York?" he asked me.

After a very long pause, I said "I came to New York with Andrew Van Z, and we are staying with the oldest Van Z son and his wife."

My Dad did not say anything for a minute, and then he said "Oh. I see. So you got the message to call me through Mr. Van Z, then, and not through your roommates?" he asked.

"Yes" I said.

"Are you spending a lot of time with the Van Z boy?"

"We see each other quite a bit" I said.

"I'm surprised, because you two seemed so reluctant to call each other."

I didn't say anything, and my Dad didn't say anything, for the longest time.

"Does Mr. Van Z know that you two boys are spending so much time together?" my Dad wanted to know.

"I really wouldn't have any idea" I said.

After another long pause, my Dad said "Well, I understand that Andrew is very reliable and very responsible and very serious and very dependable, so I suspect I don't have to worry about you as long as you are with him. He is supposed to be a very nice boy. Do you enjoy his company?"

"Yes, very much" I said.

After an enormously long pause, my Dad asked "Does Andrew have the same Spring Break you do?"

"No" I said. "His Spring Break is the week before mine."

"Is Andrew going home for Spring Break?" my Dad asked.

"I don't think he has decided yet" I answered. "However, he talked to Mr. Van Z about his Spring Break tonight, and that's when I learned that I should call you."

"You know that Andrew is the apple of his father's eye" said my Dad.

"That doesn't surprise me" I said.

"Is Andrew as handsome as his Dad says he is" my Dad asked.

"I don't know what Mr. Van Z says about Andrew, but, honestly, Dad . . . Andrew is the most beautiful man I have ever seen. He makes models on magazine covers look unremarkable" I said.

After a VERY long pause, my Dad asked me "Do you like Andrew, Joshua?"

"Yes, I like him very much" I said.

"Do you like him . . .in more than a friendly way?" my Dad asked.

I really didn't know how to answer this question, Silvio, so, after a long delay, I said "It's too early to talk about anything like that yet, Dad. I hope you understand." This was the best answer I could come up with.

"You're not hiding anything from me, are you, Joshua?" my Dad asked me.

I did NOT know what to say, Silvio, and finally I said "I'm not hiding anything from you, Dad. Thus far there is nothing to hide from you."

"When will you be back in Washington?" my Dad asked.

"Tomorrow" I said.

"Then please call me as soon as you get back" my Dad said.

"We may not get back until late" I said.

"Then call me at the office first thing Tuesday morning" my Dad instructed me.

"I have class between 7:30 and 11:30 on Tuesdays" I told my Dad.

"Then call me at 12:00 Noon Tuesday, which will be 11:00 a.m. my time" said my Dad. "Josh, this is important. I want to talk to you. Seriously. Make sure you call me. All right?"

"I'll call you, Dad" I said.

"12 Noon your time" said my Dad. "Don't forget."

"I won't forget" I said.

Then my Dad said "Good night" and the call ended.

Not long after these calls, Andrew and I went to bed.

We talked about our phone calls with our fathers.

Andrew told me that his Dad was royally pissed at him, and that his Dad had icily ended his talk with Andrew as soon as Andrew let his Dad know that I was with him in New York. His Dad, Andrew said, viewed what he had said on the phone--"I believe that Joshua went out of town for the weekend"--as the equivalent of an outright lie, which it more or less was. Andrew said that what he had told his Dad was a half-truth, technically accurate as far as it went, but designed to conceal and, in his father's view, unworthy of Andrew. Andrew said that his Dad was very disappointed at what he had done and that he had never lied to his Dad before and that he was very ashamed. (Silvio, Andrew worships his father--absolutely worships him.)

"What will your Dad do" I asked Andrew.

"Call Alec and ask him what's going on" Andrew said.

"What will Alec say to your father?" I asked.

"Alec will probably hedge, which will tell my Dad all he needs to know" Andrew said.

"Do you think you should call your Dad?" I asked.

"I was thinking about it" Andrew said. "I'm trying to decide whether to wait until later in the week, when his level of irritation will have decreased. If I call him now, he will just be very icy again with me, and I fear I will not accomplish anything. But maybe I should try to call my Mom, and ask her to work on him."

"I think you should" I said.

"I can do that, Josh, but my father will probably answer the phone, and be very stern with me, and lecture me, before he passes me on to my Mom, at which point there is not much else to say to either of them." said Andrew. "The very fact that you are here tells them something significant, and the fact that I engaged in a half-truth tells them something even more significant. They already know the score, and they believe I am trying to hide this from them."

"Do you think they will call my Mom and Dad and tell them" I asked Andrew.

"No, zero chance" said Andrew. "They would view that as a shocking interference with another family's personal matters. Besides, there's nothing to tell yet."

But Andrew added, after a few seconds "But that may not be true much longer."

"My Dad has guessed the situation" I told Andrew. "He knows I like you, and he wants to know where we are--where we are in terms of our relationship. That's why I am supposed to call him as soon as possible."

"And then what will he say or do?" asked Andrew.

"I don't know" I said. "He may counsel me to hold off anything personal--anything sexual, I mean--until after graduation. He may tell me to go very slow. He may tell me to think about some particular angle, thinking he has bought himself some time. I really don't know what he will say to me."

"Well, I guess both sets of parents know a little more than we necessarily want them to know at this point, but they would learn everything eventually anyway. I don't think this is worth getting into a stew over" said Andrew.

And Andrew drew me to him, and started kissing me all over, and we touched each other all over.

Then the phone rang, and Andrew said "That's my father, calling Alec. If anything significant happens, Alec will let me know."

Andrew asked me whether I needed to be back in Washington at a fixed time tomorrow. I said no. Then he asked me if it was all right to get back to Washington very late in the evening. I said that was fine with me.

"Well, what I'd like to do is to stay until after dinner tomorrow, and leave at 8:00 or 9:00, avoiding most of the traffic, and get back to Washington very, very late at night--like 1:00 or so" he said. "What are your thoughts on that?"

I said that was fine by me. "Where are you going to sleep tomorrow night?" I asked him.

He paused, and then he said "Where are YOU going to sleep tomorrow night?"

I told him I was going to sleep wherever he slept.

He paused again, and then he said "What would happen if you told your roommates you were gay? You know, you live in a house and you have your own bedroom. I can come see you at your house and stay out of everyone else's way. I live in an apartment and share a bedroom. There is no way you can visit me and stay out of everyone else's way. I like you coming to our apartment, whether the guys are there or not, but it will cause problems if you are there all the time. Is there any way I can sleep at your house on sort of a regular basis? Maybe instead of telling your roommates you are gay, you should tell them what my father said: that we are like cousins."

I told Andrew that I wanted him to come over and sleep with me every night, and that I would not tell my roommates anything at all. I told him that they'd see him, and figure it out, but that there was no need for an announcement.

"So you want me to stay at your place tomorrow night, then?" Andrew asked.

"Yes, and every night" I said.

"Sometimes I WILL want you to stay over at my place, too" said Andrew. "But it can't be very often. It would tick the other guys off."

"As long as we're together, I don't care where we sleep" I said. "But I don't want to sleep alone any more. It's too hard for me."

"OK. Then we'll sleep together every night from now on" said Andrew. "And I do want to sleep with you every night--every night for the rest of my life if that were possible. But we have to get up in the mornings!"

I asked him whether he really meant that last part, about sleeping with me every night for the rest of our lives. "Yes, I mean it, with all my heart" was his response.

And then we lay next to each other again, and kissed, and touched each other, until Alec came into the living room.

"The old man is pissed" he said to Andrew. "I think you need to call him. Lizbeth is talking to him right now, trying to tell him that there is nothing going on between you two. Of course, unlike me, she didn't see you guys making out just now. Do either of you need a cigarette?"

"I will call him" said Andrew. "Tell me when Lizbeth gets off the phone." And Andrew went and got his cell phone.

While he was waiting for the all-clear signal from Alec, Andrew asked me whether we should amend our plans and head back to Washington right now.

"That wouldn't do any good, because you could still talk to your Dad in the car" I said.

"Not if I forgot to bring the cell phone with me" he said.

And then Alec came back into the living room, and at the same time Andrew's cell phone rang. It was his father calling.

The call lasted about one minute. Andrew hardly said a word. His father told him he was angrier with him than he had ever been in his entire life, and that he wanted to talk to Andrew at some length, but only when he himself had had time sufficiently to reflect and only when he was sure he would not say anything rash. He told Andrew that he would call him the following evening, but that he wanted Andrew to know, right now, tonight, that he was very, very disappointed in him. And that was the call.

We were unable to get to sleep for another hour or so after that call.