Thursday, July 19, 2012

. . . But He Wears A Great Lipstick

The man may have fatal character flaws . . . but he wears a GREAT lipstick.

It is undeniable that Nikolaj Znaider can CARRY the fully-made-up look!

Have readers seen any other man who can do it half so well?

Happily, Znaider does not confine himself to one shade of lipstick.

And, I believe, such is the right choice for him.

After all, why would a man want to restrict himself to painting his lips pink, and only pink, when he can wear other colors, too?

And with such flair!

In fairness, Znaider’s primary makeup designer deserves some credit, too. Her name is Mindy Saad.

Ms. Saad’s job cannot have been an easy one, because Znaider looks like one person while sporting makeup and like an entirely different person when caught “without”.

Admirable as is the work of Ms. Saad (whose clientele, Znaider aside, is overwhelmingly female), Znaider uses other makeup designers, too. Znaider’s makeup needs are too substantial to be satisfied by one—and only one—makeup artist.

In fact, I am going to reveal a secret: Andrew has been working, on and off, for more than three months, on a weblog post devoted to the subject of Znaider’s makeup design and makeup history.

It surely will be the only such entry on the worldwide web!

The post promises to be a veritable encyclopedia on the subject of Znaider and makeup, going back to the mid-1990s. The post will feature before-and-after photographs as well as comprehensive makeup-designer and photographic credits.

More enticing still, the post will include an analysis of Znaider’s rapid weight gains and losses since the early 2000s; his changing hair styles and hair colors (as will be seen, Znaider has laid out a small fortune in hair dye and home permanents over the years); and a history of the evolution of Znaider’s concert attire, from white-tie-and-tails at the beginning of his career, onto three succeeding generations of what can only be described as bizarre, Liberace-style getups, until arriving at the cheap, off-the-rack business suits he wears today. (Znaider’s fees are much, much, much lower than Anne-Sophie Mutter’s or Maxim Vengerov’s fees—and Znaider has far more urgent uses for his cash than spending it on concert attire.)

Andrew’s post will conclude with a series of photographs of Znaider over the last six years, in which the photographs will demonstrate, almost month-by-month, the fewer and fewer highs and more and more lows of Znaider’s life—and the vast deterioration that has set in since 2006. Some of the photographs, in fact, are painfully sad to examine; they almost make me feel sorry for Znaider, although his problems are entirely of his own making.

The bounteous cornucopia of delights described above will be anchored by what may prove to be Andrew’s funniest narrative ever. I have seen the first couple of drafts, in the works since April, and I practically went into conniption fits both times.

Andrew says he won’t have time to finish the project until sometime in September, because he has too many briefs to write at work. I believe, however, that patience will be rewarded.

Until Andrew’s weblog post emerges, readers will have to sustain themselves by imagining they are in Caracas, Venezuela, tomorrow night, attending a benefit concert for one of Hugo Chavez’s favorite charities. Znaider, heavily made-up and wearing a cheap suit, will—according to Reuters—be whisked through the pothole-riven streets of Caracas, passing numerous hand-sprayed anti-Semitic signs that mar the building facades of the decaying metropolis, finally to be delivered at the door of the main concert hall, where Znaider will perform alongside Chavez’s leading propagandistic tool to the outside world, the Simon Bolivar Orchestra.

This assumes, of course, that Znaider will not be the victim of an anti-Semitic assault on his person between now and tomorrow night.

This also assumes that Znaider will not cancel at the last minute, which he has been exceedingly prone to do the last couple of years.

Tickets to the concert are still available.

The exercise will be repeated on Sunday.

Think pink.


  1. This asshole is playing in Venezuela.

    Isn't he Jewish?

  2. I have a great story to tell. I think you’ll like it.

    My wife and I live in Birmingham. In December, we went to hear CBSO play Bruckner’s Seventh Symphony.

    Nikolaj Znaider was called in to conduct as last-minute replacement. In the UK, Znaider is always the conductor called in at the last minute because his engagement book is never filled. He is always available. Halle, Liverpool, Birmingham: all can call him at the last minute, knowing he is free and his fee is low.

    We bought our tickets before Znaider was booked as replacement conductor. With some reluctance, and no enthusiasm, we attended the concert.

    I have would not have missed the concert for the world.

    Znaider came onstage and started flashing his jacket to show the audience that its linings were bright red. He played with the flaps for two minutes, maybe three, swishing around repeatedly, to show everyone the sparkly red. It was as if he were a contestant in a beauty contest. Only when Znaider was done flashing and swishing was the concert allowed to start.

    The first half of the concert was a new organ symphony. Was the performance good? I have no idea. It was a new work.

    The second half of the concert was Bruckner.

    Znaider came out after the interval and stood on the podium. With swashbuckling showmanship and sweeping motions, he raised his arms as if to begin. The musicians raised their instruments.

    Then, with great ostentation, Znaider picked up the conductor’s music stand and made a soaring, storklike, excessively dramatic waving gesture. Two musicians had to rise, take the music stand from him, and place it behind him.

    Naturally, all this had been arranged in advance. Znaider obviously knew he was going to conduct without a score, but nevertheless had insisted that a music stand be present so that it could be dramatically and ostentatiously removed in full view of the audience.

    Need I mention that once he lifted the music stand, Znaider could easily have moved it himself, and placed it anywhere he wanted? He could have simply turned around and placed the stand behind him. Instead, he had to have two musicians do it for him, with much ceremony and fanfare, so that no one in the hall could possibly miss his pretentiousness.

    It gets better.

    During the Bruckner, in addition to flashing his jacket so that the audience could continue to see the sparkly red, Znaider started swishing around and playing with his feet so that he could constantly show the soles of his shoes to the audience.

    The soles of his shoes were bright red.

    He would display his soles to the right, and then to the left, and then straight behind. Then he would start all over again. He made sure that every single person in the hall knew he was wearing shoes with bright red soles. This elaborate can-can went on for 70 minutes, the duration of the symphony.

    It was all we could do to keep from devolving into hysteria. People all around us were suppressing giggles, stuffing handkerchiefs down their throats, while watching Twinkle Toes Tiddly Pooh manhandle Bruckner, more concerned with flashing his jacket and flashing his shoes than holding a performance together.

    In more than thirty years of concerts, I have never seen anything like it. It was Monty Pythonesque.

    Need I add that the performance of the Bruckner was incomparably incompetent?

    Znaider quite clearly has numerous psychiatric issues to address.

    And I’m qualified to make that diagnosis. I work at Birmingham’s Queen Elizabeth Psychiatric Hospital.

  3. It is a great story, and I liked it very much.

    In fact, I gave your comments their own special posting entry.

    Thank you.

  4. la falta de respeto de los que llevaron bebés de 2 años de edad que obviamente se cansaron de estar sentados y comenzaron a tener pataletas perturbando a todos los presentes. [¡y uno de ellos estaba en primera fila!]

  5. OMG! Maiah’s blog says the same thing! There were children running around during Znaider's concert, including a misbehaving 2-year-old in the very front row! What a circus!

  6. I recently found this blog while doing research on Mr Znaider's concerts in Europe .

    I have seen High resolution pix of Mr Znaider taken in the same location by the same photographer .
    Your blog contains defamatory informations aimed to damage the reputation and personal life of not only a fantastic artist but a person you absolutely don't know .

    Your motivations seem to have very specific goals and are certainly not innocent gossips . Thus , I must say ,It is extremely sad , cowardly and ignoble to debate about his position as a jew , as a musician , and as a human being .The classical music world should never be confused with popular readings met in gossips publications .

    Being said , maybe you are looking for a new position as an editor at the National Enquirer ? or Maybe looking for Mr Znaider's attention ? Do you want him to hire you as his new publicist ?

    Nevertheless , I will bring back some justice here by clearly explaining what created the redness on the images.

    With over 25 years experience in retouch and photography , I analyzed the several pix available from this specific shoot .
    There is not a single trace of makeup !!!

    The redness of the lips/chicks is simply the result of bad or poor calibration and over saturation . His skin is completely natural and I am so sure about it .
    When powder or foundation are applied , it is easily noticeable on high res images as it creates some kind of dust around skin pores . So if we , retoucher , try to clean up the makeup effect , all skin pores will disappear and the skin will end up with a porcelain doll effect .

    I must insist again and again , on each image ( high resolution one , please feel free to check them yourself ) , pores are 100% visible , even some very thin lines around his eyes are still present , which prove again no trace of makeup or airbrush !!!!

    Any professional is fully aware that It is never ever recommended to use foundation , powder or rouge on men as they have larger pores and it will make retouchers work hell ( plus retouch can cost up to $350/hour , I don't think his label or management would want to spend $ 20 000 / image which is often the case for pop artists .)

    In regards of the lips , No Lipstick at all . Again Lipstick on High Resolution will clearly show a Texture !!! not the case here , all we can see is skin .
    One more detail to educate you , High res images transfered on internet can easily be damaged contributing in the color alternation .

    To conclude , I will kindly say , your comments are just reflecting on the kind of individual you are , and not on what Mr Znaider is . There is never a need for diminishing comments when we are fully delighted with our own life ." Haters are confused admirers who don't understand why so many people love you "

  7. I know who you are, Anonymous.

    Please open the photograph in a new window.

    When in the new window, please click on the photograph a second time.

    The photograph will enlarge and fill the entire screen.

    This is an ultra-high-resolution photograph, from a pristine source.

    One may easily observe lipstick, rouge, foundation, face powder and eye makeup. I especially admire the white lines drawn beneath the lower-lid eyeliner, one of the standard tricks of the makeup artist. It must be acknowledged that Mindy Saad does good work.

    As you know, George Wolfe, a noted women’s fashion photographer, took the photograph in question. The entire artist portfolio done by Wolfe, quite old now, features what Joan Collins would call “great lashings of color”, all visible in each separate photograph.

    If I thought it necessary to prove my point, I would be happy to post many more such photographs. However, I doubt you really want that.

    How’s the Willi coming?

  8. And I meant George Lange, of course, not George Wolfe.

    George Wolfe is opposing counsel on a case assigned to me, on which I have been working all day.

    To the best of my knowledge and belief, George Wolfe does not perform photographic work, too.

  9. 1 - Please get yourself a proper monitor and use a calibration system . When once has not received a full training in whatever discipline , one should remain silent .In front of any professional you are presenting yourself as a fool .

    2 - your PC or Mac screen is not appropriate to the human eyes for correct reading of an image details . I google this particular pix and it appears in 3 or 4 different shades which prove my point ( had been transfered several times via internet without protecting original image information which means lost of colors informations ) . His eyelashes have no mascara , no eye makeup by the way . Please stop making a fool of yourself . WHEN YOU JUDGE ANOTHER YOU DON'T DEFINE THEM , YOU DEFINE YOURSELF :)

    3 - I have read your comments and your dear friends comments on other blogs . A child could see that most of the comments are under different names but come from the exact same source .

    4 - So what ? are you mad cause he is a real man of integrity , very successful and loved around the world and apparently you are not ? or your friend attorney didn't get his commission this year ? if you were a bit sophisticated , you will not need to mention willy's matters . one need to know your issues with it ...i promise you .

  10. Below is your system and monitor.

    Macintosh MacOSXBrowser Safari 1.3
    Mozilla/5.0 (Macintosh; Intel Mac OS X 10_5_8) AppleWebKit/534.50.2 (KHTML, like Gecko) Version/5.0.6
    Safari/533.22.3Javascript version 1.5
    Resolution : 1280 x 800
    Color Depth : 24 bits

    You need to upgrade.

    The photograph on this post is first-generation. Second- and third- and fourth- generation photographs, such as those found online and which appear to be “bleached” in comparison, are derived from the photograph I posted.

    You, of all persons, must know I was referring to Herbert Willi.

    Discourse is not one of your skills, is it?

  11. Your visitor must be Znaider himself. He’s the most insecure person I’ve ever met. I knew he would be on here. I knew he couldn’t stay away. I’m surprised he hasn’t been on here before now.

    The odd turns of phrase, the bad English he tries to make sound posh, the defensiveness, the pompous statements on subjects he knows nothing about, the arrogance, the narcissism. Reading the comments, it’s just like talking to Znaider in person. They sound like his speech.

    Do you understand now why no one likes him?

  12. But he’s “a real man of integrity, very successful and loved around the world”!

    How can you say no one likes him?


    Yes, the commenter was Znaider.

    He’s very touchy about that makeup thing, isn’t he?

    You might be interested to know that Znaider flunked Andrew’s IQ test.

    Until three hours ago, I had never heard of Austrian composer Herbert Willi. However, Andrew, who knows music 1000 times better than I, knows about Willi, and knows about Willi’s Violin Concerto, which Znaider is scheduled to perform for the first time next season (assuming, of course, that Znaider does not cancel).

    Andrew told me to type in “How’s the Willi coming?” at the end of my first response to Znaider. In fact, Andrew dictated that sentence to me, telling me it had to be worded precisely in that fashion.

    Andrew predicted—accurately—that Znaider would misinterpret the question in complete bond-headed fashion, as indeed Znaider did.

    At the conclusion of the exercise, Andrew pronounced: “As expected: certifiable low IQ. Znaider indeed is as dumb as his reputation.”

    Myself, I did not think Znaider would fall for it.

    I was wrong.

  13. I’m sorry, but this IS screamingly funny, as I said last night.

    Today Znaider displays for all the world to see that he has his mind on his willy. Will he ever be able to live this down? As I said last night, there is something SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY WRONG with this man. He proved it today. Certified, signed, sealed, delivered. What kind of prize do I get?

    His English is poor. The Danes are supposed to be gifted in languages. He certainly isn’t gifted in languages.

  14. Yes, at some point in time I may have to do a weblog post about Znaider confusing his willy with the Willi he should be focusing on.

    Perhaps I can save that prospective post to coincide with Znaider’s upcoming performance of the Willi.

    No, Znaider obviously does not display a gift for languages.

    Znaider’s German is worse even than his English. Znaider speaks German with a Viennese accent—Andrew, who studied at university in Vienna for a year, also speaks German with a Viennese accent—and Andrew says that Znaider’s German is atrocious, the German of a street-sweeper immigrant from Turkey.

  15. I’m sure Drew passed on to you what Hugh Wolff told me about Znaider after Hugh played the Nielsen concerto with Znaider in Munich at the very beginning of Znaider’s career.

    Nothing has changed after all these years, has it? Hugh had Znaider’s number on day one.

    Even so, I find it mind-boggling that Znaider fell so easily for Drew’s Willi strategem, particularly since Znaider should be working on the new Willi concerto day and night, giving it his utmost focus.

    Znaider’s response demonstrates he doesn’t have any meaningful contact with intelligent persons. I would hate to be in Znaider’s shoes. It would be a fate worse than death.

    Who is the smart-aleck young lawyer I’ve heard say the following?

    “IQ is determined at birth. Sorry you were not a winner in our sweepstakes—but thank you for participating in our contest.”

    Now, who said that?

    Let me try to recall . . .


  16. Yes, of course Andrew told me what you told him.

    And I have no idea who might make such a smart-aleck statement!

    No idea whatsoever!

  17. An orchestral musician in Stuttgart told me that in Germany Znaider is known as the violinist whose playing sounds as if he is wearing ladies’ undergarments.

  18. His words are the words of someone going through a nervous breakdown. It's spooky.

  19. Lizbeth said the very same thing.

    However, Znaider only has the equivalent of an American Ninth Grade education, so one truly would be unable to judge. How can one possibly tell what is going through the mind of a high school Freshman?

  20. I’m surprised that anyone is surprised about Nikolay Znaider’s fascination with willies. Willies are of the greatest interest to him. He’s more interested in willies than anything else. His Willi/willy confusion is par for the course and no surprise to me.

    Personal Trainer in Southern California

  21. I am participant SHMF (Das Schleswig-Holstein Musik Festival). All SHMF read about Znaider. All laugh. Erik

  22. Hallo, Zznaider. Greetings from Lübeck. Hows your’re willy?

  23. The Makeup Man!
    The Willy Man!

  24. Nikolaj Znaider wears makeup because he has bad skin. GET OVER IT!!!

  25. And, don't forget . . .

    The makeup helps hide Znaider's COCAINE SORES, getting more noticeable by the year.

  26. Best funny tale on internet. Nikolah Znaider and his lipstick and willy.

  27. Nikolaj Znaider. U celebrit lákají hlavně jejich skandály.

    Byl jsem tenkrát mladý chlapec, plný ideálů a bez pořádných zkušeností, snadno zmanipulovatelný ... (ne, dělám si samozřejmě prdel). O anglických slovních spojeních jako "Mad Sex Orgy" či "Party Hardcore" toho před pár lety skoro nikdo moc nevěděl. Teprve začínal tento hezký český fenomén, díky němuž jsme teď ve světě tak proslulí jako prodejné děvky.

    Na internetu jsem našel inzerát, něco ve smyslu: Hledáme mladé muže jako publikum pro večírek, jehož součástí bude i několik odvážnějších lehce erotických výstupů :-))). No jo, já ale netušil. Nikolaj Znaider.

    V klubu, kde se tento mejdan (ehm) měl odehrávat, se nás sešlo kolem stovky. Vypadalo to fajn a normalně - slíbili, že se bude točit tak 7 hodin, maskování, pudrování, vyplňování smluv a pak se to rozjelo.

    Ze začátku mi nepřišlo ani moc divné, že v publiku jsou jen kluci a že na podiu tančí nějací hošani v těsných kožených oblečcích. Říkal jsem si proč ne, asi nějaký evropský umělecký film no (něco jako aktualní Případ nevěrné Kláry :-D ).

    Trošilinku jsem začal pochybovat, když si hošani po sobě začli cákat šlehačkou ve spreji ... Hmmm. Nikolaj Znaider.

    Když jím ale za chvíli začli z jejich naleštěných uzoučkých kaťat najatí "herci" tahat "vy víte co", a to následně žužlat "vy víte kde", tak jsem čuměl. Tohle jsem fakt ještě neviděl.

    No organizátoři Nikolaj Znaider nelhali. Celá party trvala fakt těch 7 hodin NONSTOP !!! A odnesl jsem si z ní opravdu hluboké zážitky ... To jo. Nikolaj Znaider.—D

  28. HI. I’m Sheila.

    I’m missing out on something here. The makeup is so obvious, you would have to be blind not to see it. He has so much face powder on his forehead, it is covering part of his left eyebrow. How can someone claim he is not wearing makeup? Someone spent an hour on him before the photo shoot, maybe more, working meticulously to clean him up. Nevertheless, despite all the makeup, this photo has been expertly airbrushed to remove all blemishes. The forehead gives away the airbrushing. Anyone can see extensive airbrushing on that cavernous forehead.

    What gives?

    And was that really Nikolaj Znaider himself, denying the makeup?

    Whoever applied the rouge and lip cover got totally carried away.

  29. Yes, it was Znaider himself denying the makeup. I can track him through sitemeter and statcounter (the latter is concealed to readers).

    The makeup is so apparent—if not frighteningly conspicuous—that it speaks for itself. For Znaider to deny the makeup is laughable, although his denial certainly reveals him to be the space alien persons who know him describe.

  30. I saw Znaider Saturday. It looked its face had been sanded with sandpaper and spackle applied, and glycerine appliied on top of spackle. Weird. It was mssing patch of hair on top its head. As if caught in machinery and pulled out. Weird. Result in bald spot in unexpected place.

    Perhaps in car accident?

    Critics said performance of Mendelssohn concerto had none "pureness"/ and final movement bad, bad.

    1. OMG! I can't believe this! He had glycerine on his face at the Proms last night, too! My girlfriend and I could see it clear as day! We turned to each and asked, "What is that on his face? It looks exactly like glycerine." And it must have been glycerine! Or some kind of oil paste that looks like glycerine! It was shiny and oily and, uh, well, uh, kind of bizarre!

    2. Whatever it was, it sure was shiny. It appeared he had dipped his face into a vat of chemical gels and walked onstage: low-grade makeup off the shelf from Tesco, badly applied and the wrong shade for him. It was an artificial color, a shade God did not create. It ended halfway back on the side of his neck. He looked ridiculous. He had on two pounds of lip gloss. And the concert wasn’t even televised.

      Newscasters are more carefully madeup.

    3. I don't know what he had on, but whatever he had on was thick as paste. He looked bizarre next to Riccardo Chailly, who was obvisouly not wearing makeup. Znaider's face and skin under the lights looked like the women players of the Leipzig orchestra, except Znaider was wearing more paste than all the women players combined. The chap is a patsy.

  31. Nikolaj Znaider wears makeup because he has bad skin. GET OVER IT!!! GET OVER IT, PLEASE!!!

  32. This is great. Haven’t laughed so hard in years.

    You can always tell if this piss-ant is wearing makeup. Can you see that thingy in the middle of his forehead? If not, he is wearing makeup. That is the ironclad test.

    Also, he has brown marks all over his face, especially on his left side. If you can’t see the brown marks, he is wearing makeup.

    Are you aware that Znaider was asked to leave Juilliard because he was picked up four times (at least) for shoplifting? He was a foreign national and not yet 18, so he was not prosecuted. Had he been 18, he would have landed in jail, even as a foreign national.

    I always puke when Znaider gives an interview and claims he left Juilliard of his own free will. That is a lie. He was required to leave. He has a major case of sticky fingers. He also has a lying tongue.

    After Juilliard, Znaider returned to Denmark. For a year he did nothing except lick his wounds. After a year of idleness, he went to Kuschnir.