I don’t think our upcoming move to Boston is a very good idea.
The prospect of moving to Boston has made Andrew very depressed. He doesn’t say anything, but I can see the unhappiness in his eyes. I think he looks forward to three years in Boston about as much as surgery without anesthesia.
I don’t care where I go to law school, and I keep telling Andrew that we should eighty-six Boston and remain in Minneapolis.
“Don’t be foolish” is his standard response. “You have to go to the best law school possible, no matter where it is.”
I think I’ve messed everything up. Andrew and I will be leaving the Twin Cities at the very same time his brothers will be returning home—and, after the first of the year, we won’t even be able to go down to New York on weekends and visit with his older brother, since he and his family plan to be resettled in Minneapolis no later than February 1, and by Christmas if possible.
I would go to Boston by myself, but I think that would drive me crazy. I don’t think I could handle the separation, and Andrew doesn’t think I could handle it, either.
Things right now almost remind me of events in early 2006, when I was first getting to know Andrew.
On July 31 and August 1, 2007, I wrote at length about the first six days I knew Andrew. On December 28, 2007, I wrote about the next four days I knew Andrew.
The eleventh day I knew Andrew was February 13, 2006. That was the day I nearly ruined everything.
I totally acted up, and in hindsight I am surprised that Andrew did not dump me that very day. That was the beginning of a terrible week for Andrew and me, one of three really, really bad weeks Andrew and I suffered through (and all three weeks were because of me and me alone, thankfully—and all three really bad weeks were never consecutive weeks, or any friendship between us would never have survived).
I could not even talk about Monday, February 13, 2006, until two days later, when I finally told a friend, what had happened. I was only able to provide him with a précis of what happened on Monday, and I was only able to do that in the wee, wee hours of Tuesday night/Wednesday morning.
Thank you, Silvio, for the good advice. I get over-eager, as you know. I guess it is premature to plan for the weeks of March 5 and 12, especially since I am not entirely confident that I will not have driven Andrew away permanently by Thursday of this week, which is only tomorrow now, isn't it?
As I told you, I worry that I drive Andrew nuts and that I go for too much too quickly, and that it is all just too much for him. I am ready to declare undying love and shout it from the rooftops; he is now comfortable touching me and kissing me and sleeping in the same bed with me as long as we don't take "the next, irrevocable step".
As I told you, I also fear that I am 'grasping" at him--or, as I said to you last week, that I have or will become "clingy" around him. I always want more and more from him until I get everything from him, and I do not think I will be satisfied until we are, figuratively, paired and living together and bound to each other for life.
But, Silvio, sometimes when I just "go for it", it works out, like when I took the initiative to kiss him for the first time. If I had waited for him to make the move, I would still be waiting. But once I kissed him, long and deep, he was happy to kiss me, and he is happy to kiss me now, and to hold me, with great strength and with great tenderness, and to kiss me, over and over, as much as I need it.
So, I am conflicted, as you see. And I do not understand, Silvio, why I should NEVER tell Andrew that I am only happy when I am with him. Since that is true, I think he should know that fact. Please explain to me why--above all other things and "whatever I do"--I should never tell him that. I don't understand. I think honesty and directness should always be the general policy, unless overridden by other, more critical factors.
Yesterday (Monday) was a total disaster--an utter train wreck of a day. I can hardly bear to think about it.
I took your advice, Silvio, and I told Andrew that I needed a day off from him. I told him as soon as I saw him, which was only minutes after I finished talking with you--and the only reason I did that, Silvio, was because you said he would appreciate the maturity that act demonstrated.
Unfortunately, I horribly misplayed my scene, and made a complete mess of it. Then I compounded my error throughout the remainder of the afternoon and evening, and totally destroyed the coming three-day weekend, for which Andrew had apparently been making tentative plans.
Then, in the middle of the night last night, I called Andrew and I begged him to come to me because I could not sleep. I couldn't sleep because of everything that had happened yesterday, and I couldn't sleep because the previous two nights I had slept with Andrew and I could not bear to sleep alone last night.
All in all, yesterday was a complete debacle, in all possible ways. Not that it could make matters any worse, but I did not even handle the Valentine's Day thing right. Yesterday was just a total meltdown all the way around. I will tell you about it when I can achieve some distance from it.
I fear that yesterday (Monday) was the beginning of the end. And I am not confident that the damage was repaired today (Tuesday).
To make matters worse, I am sitting here, in the middle of the night, trying very hard not to call Andrew again and repeat the events of last night